pigs in zen

I'm feeling a little disgruntled. Like a pig that's lost it's voice. Sugar doesn't help. Neither does the Vaseline.

Yesterday, I turned on the TV so that I could turn my self off while I went about my morning ablations. As I flicked through the selections looking for something suitably mind-numbing to dress by, I noticed that certain channels were not working. So I did the most technical thing a person can do. I reset the satellite receiver. Then I turned on the TV and sighed in dismay as the channels still displayed it's invaluable error message that only acne-faced kids with multiple acronyms following their names can decipher - Error: 002. Then I checked the signal strength. A green bar and a deafening tone that scared the Jesus out of the cat, screamed that it was at 97%.
Great. This helps. A lot.
So I did the next best technical thing I was capable off. I went outside and stared at the satellite dish. Maybe if I glared at it long enough it would reach out and touch the thing-a-ma-jig that supposedly circles the earth a zillion miles away and send that all important signal back to my receiver. I have to practice my telekinesis a little more. I think I fell asleep during that class.

Plan C. Go online and chat with Preston H from Brno. It went something like this:

me: Hello, a few of my television channels are not working. I get most, but a few of the specialty channels are blank.
Preston H: Hello and thank you for contacting your [Almighty, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Satellite Television Provider] can you press and hold down the power button please.
me: I already did that about 10 minutes ago
Insert long pause here. Seems that my answer did not compute with Preston H's Problem Resolution Procedure flow chart
Preston H: do you have an error code
me: Error 002. I checked the signal strength and it's at 97%.
Insert another long pause. Now he's flipping through pages furiously
Preston H: let me access your account.
another long pause. So long that I had time to think. And then it struck me. Last night, I powered off the second satellite receiver in the basement. The one with the authentication card in it. So I run downstairs, power the box on, turn on the TV and Presto! we have contact!. I run upstairs, check the chat window, still no response, reset the second box, and Voila!!! we have a signal. Return back to the laptop
me: The channels are working now.
Preston H: That's good. Thank you for subscribing to [Almighty, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Satellite Television Provider]. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
me: no

I want Preston H's job. I want to look at a flow chart with arrows that say If, Yes, No. I don't want the 35 + emails a day. Or 2 hour conference calls with Action Items, Power Point decks & spreadsheets with embedded macros. Nor the 10-11 hour days for 5 days a week just so I can have the weekend off. I do not want accountability, to-do's, BAU's & DOU's. I'd like to take Change Management and Incident Management and de-briefs and place them in a rocket to space. Powered by synergies and deliverables. All I want is to follow the arrows, like paint-by-numbers or follow the dots until a clown face appears in all it's grinning glory.

Just like a pig in zen*

©Jane’s Addiction