mea culpa

Memories flashed in a split moment. Ghosts from the past crawled from the recesses of my mind in an instant of tears. I remember vividly when I first set foot upon this land. It was the third complete re-adjustment of my life within three years. It was April. It was cold, colder than I had ever been before. The sky was pregnant with dark clouds, the roads coated a morbid grey from the salt and early snow melt. Looking at the scenery rush past the window I realized how far from home I was. There was no turning back. The road ahead stretched out into uncertainty and adventure. Even amongst the four others in the car I was still alone in this foreign land lulled by thrum of the tires.
Nothing was familiar or remotely routine. I was lost in a city of millions. Surrounded by new faces, smells and sights, unfamiliar with the way things worked, I absorbed the world around me like a sponge. Which way did the streets run, what colour the currency? different culture, different weather. Everything and everyone seemed alien and cold and hospitable at the same time. Insecurity and fear ruled my waking hours, crowded my dreams at night. Like a frightened animal caught in a trap.
I remember, even to this day how alone, abandoned and afraid I used to feel as voices were raised and words flew through the air like arrows to sting the heart with poisoned barbs. Desperation weighted me down, Hopelessness suffocated me. Over time the wounds festered into resentment and hate. Poisoned barbs turned into maces and an union was felled forever.

Yesterday I looked into a mirror. It was her face. 20 years were stripped away in an instant and I saw the utter desolation and fear reflected back. I saw the abandonment contort her features. The sadness wrenched her face like jagged edges of torn photographs and most of all I heard in her voice the consummate weight of a life of heavy sorrows come crashing down. And I hated myself for that. I made a promise once. But with the harshness of a few thoughtless words and raised voices I destroyed that promise. I was supposed to ease her burdens, lift her spirits, place a smile on her lips and repair her spirit. Instead, due to irresponsible desire to have things my way, I hurt the one that I love. I crushed her spirit with heedless actions. I ripped away her beautiful smile and drew tears from her sparkling eyes. Tears that extinguished the bright flame that burned so steadily.
I do not know what caused me to become so angry with her. All I wanted was to do make her happy. And yet unthinkingly emotions were twisted into a grotesque mask that spewed angry words. In one weak moment, I relinquished control to the demon that has always lurked within. It was only for a fleeting instant, but it was an instant too long and damage was done before it could be caged again. I have much work to do, to repair the broken chains that were in place to bind it - repair her broken spirit. I may not have a past-it was left behind, buried in the horrors of a malignant war. But I have a future with her. I will glue together the fine porcelain that was shattered, smooth over the cracks and build my past, today, with her.

I Love You Lea, My Precious, My First.

I am sorry

but I remain forever

Your One