how much would you pay for mine

If you watch as much porn as I do, then sooner or later the laws of probability will dictate that you will stumble on something with an ick factor of 11. You know how it is...you say to yourself how bad can it be? but before you know it, you have your thumb on the FFWD button on the remote but your brain refuses to send that one last signal to make you depress it. Your mind is too busy trying to decide if you should keep watching or puke.

I experienced that moment of zen a little while ago. After the two stunt cocks had spurted into a crystal champagne glass, the starlet picked up a straw, swizzled the man-melange around and proceeded to..well, suck. Yes, that was my reaction too.

So as I sat there unable to tear my eyes away or hit the damn button, a frozen grimace contorting my face, I recalled a story I read with a similar theme.

If you want the full details click here. For the attention-span challenged like my self, here's the short form:

It turns out that a farmer in New Zealand sold his prize stag to a gaming estate, but it's testicles were part of a separate contractual agreement worth approximately $80,000. Unfortunately (and this is something know one could see, um...coming - it's a safari, what could go wrong?) the said stag was shot and killed during a safari hunt. The grieving farmer alleged that the testicles were subsequently removed and the semen extracted without his consent. Approximately 270 straws of buck juice was extracted, each straw worth between $500 to $600. So he sues the owners of the gaming sanctuary for some ridiculous amount.

OK so the first thing that went through my head at that time was...Holy Magdalene, how big were these fucking (pun intended) testicles? 270 straws?? are you kidding me?
And then the second thought scurried past, furiously on the heels of the first. Who exactly did the extracting/sucking? How did the chain of events play out on that fateful day?

Man pays safari owners to hunt on the gaming reserve. Payee enthusiastically shoots stud-size buck. Congratulations and high-fives all around until someone makes the startling discovery,

"Oh shit, Stan! you've shot the stud stag!!"
"Damn! that's a bummer"
"Whoa! Look at the size of his testicles. They look like they're going to explode"
"Do you think...?"
"What?"
"Well...given that he's a prize stag an'all"
"Yeah the farmer, he ain't gonna be too pleased"
"I have an idea. Does anybody have any straws?"
"What!...you're not actually going to...Jesus man, that's just, just........gay"
"Well the way I figure, if you don't actually swallow..."

"If you tell anyone, I mean anyone about this..."

I know what I'm going to do. I'm taking a straw to bed with me tonight. Whaat! it's only a tablespoon full.......