how not to mistake buffing for boffing

The price is right

So according to this story, an Ohio man has been charged with having sex with his picnic table. Apparently a friendly neighbour witnessed Mr. Price fucking the flowery furniture on four different occasions!

Don't you just hate these nosy neighbours? What is this world coming to if one cannot enjoy a simple act of coitus with an oh-so-inviting chair. Or a table. Just look at that hole in the middle of the table. The one with the pole inserted right through. Are we that inflexible that it should serve just one purpose? Look at the possibilities. Lying across the table, the hard wood flat against your hard wood as you inch your way slowly towards that inviting hollow circle. Your breathing gets heavier with anticipation. Perhaps today a sliver will prick your prick, sliding into your soft skin with delicious ease. You place your face against the cool surface and slip your solid snake into the very soul of the table, your mouth shaped into a silent aah as the course edge scratches against your scrotum.

And then you start to fuck. Rocking your hips back and forth, the powerful sensations rocket through you as you plunge your winky, willy-nilly in and out, up and down, maybe side to side for added pleasure. You feel your balls tighten, your mind starts to fog, your thighs go rigid, your toes curl, and then...then...

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

You look up into the face of your neighbour. There she is again, peering over the fence, her face frozen in shock at the scene before her. Even her curlers are about to stumble in aghast from her still wet hair.

"You naughty man. You naughty, naughty man. I am calling the authorities".

You roll off the table, falling to the ground with a whump!, your breath rushing out of you, the pain from your near-climax bringing tears to your eyes. You curl yourself into a ball, clutching desperately at your crotch, and in that moment of absurdness and utter unadulterated humiliation you realize that that online hooker, with a crow's nest for pubic hair who was willing to wear a cardboard cut-out for $40 bucks would have been a much safer solution.

See, sometimes, if the price is right, Mr. Price, the price is right.